IF ONLY

So here it is folks, the 2nd most important entry I never thought I'd have to write.  You know, its weird.  My mum was also a young(ish) widow, she was 43 when my father died at 46 (cancer again and he was ill for 2 1/2 years).  She seems to have allowed herself, albeit unwittingly, to aged almost overnight and never appeared to live the rest of her 'young' days.  It was like: Widow = Old - NOW!  Well I always said that I would never be like that - whatever my age when 'it' happened, but I can now understand just how easy that slip can be.  How sneakily it wraps itself around you.  As a widow you don't want to become a burden on others, but you don't want to go on alone.  The words 'IF ONLY' fall continuously from my lips.

Shit happened and I could do nothing to stop it.

Cass and I had only 14 years together, but they were so intense.  He was and continues to be my one and only soul-mate.  I only existed with Cass - for Cass.  We spent virtually 24 hours a day together for those 14 years and so for him to be gone suddenly - and it was still sudden to me, even though most others around could see that fateful day drawing nearer - to me it was a day that would never come - stupid really but I guess I couldn't/wouldn't allow the thought to linger long enough for it to really sink in.  Probably the same for most people.  It just goes to show that we humans are more alike than we think. But if CB taught me anything it was that we move forward not back and no-one ever said it would be easy. So as a tribute to Cass forever more, I will go forward (at whatever pace it takes me).

I am very slowly finding a different me and learning what she's like to live with will be interesting ... for all concerned!

So now for 'THE' different funeral service promised and hopefully given to my eternally loved, greatly missed husband, lover, friend. Thank you CB.

Cass died 7 days before his 53rd birthday.