HOW LONG TO LIVE

How long have they given me? This question used to crack me up even before I was diagnosed. I envisaged some high powered bunch of doctors, sat round a table deciding how long to give each patient. "This one's a real bitch so I think we shouldn't give her more than a year" or "That sod ran over my dog so we should be talking weeks". In my case they talked 6,12,18 months but then occasionally slip in that it could be much longer. My respect for my doctors is enormous but if their expected accuracy is in the region of +-300% then maybe I've got +-300% of the number of tumours they think. Although they say they are relatively small and could take a long time to develop the real answer is that they don't know. I had a very big tumour last time I drew straws and managed to laugh my way through it. This time I'm just laughing at different numbers. There's something to be said for the theory held by an old friend of mine. Electricity? Can't see it - can't hurt you. INSIDER SECRET: Try to get a doctor to tell you how long he thinks you'll live. You stand more chance of getting a straight answer from a politician. They're completely damned whatever they say, so if they put a number on it you should strongly suspect that they just want you to stop asking, what to them, is a damn silly question. How long will my headache/flu/cough last is in about the same vein. Think of a number, add ten, double it, take away the number you first though of etc etc.

I'm shortly going to put down a few thoughts on the dreadful state of the N.H.S.. I can assure you that this is entirely unconnected with the fact that in a week or so I will have them using their drugs, very sharp knives and sewing kits on me. When I returned to the UK I wasn't sure whether to bother registering with a doctor or whether to just contact a funeral director direct. I have to say that having opted for the former; I have been amazed and very pleasantly surprised. More of which anon.