THE WIZARD’S APPRENTICE

THE WIZARD’S APPRENTICE

The Head Wizard was tied up today conjuring spells for those far needier than me. My visit was purely one the routine ones to check on the side effects, if any of the chemo: count limbs – passed, hair – some, speech – too much, weight – ludicrous etc and because of this, I got to meet another absolutely charming doctor who has the dubious honour of being registrar (apprentice wizard) to the Cancer Wizard himself. Having passed with flying colours I then spent a totally unnecessary hour waiting in the pharmacy for a couple of boxes of tablets. I know that dispensing drugs is a highly skilled task but my wait was annoying because for the second time in succession, my prescription was ready and sat behind the counter for about 45 minutes. There seems to be a headless chicken syndrome operating in this pharmacy with nobody actually responsible for dealing with customers, so you just have to catch someone’s eye. When I enquired after about half an hour I was told, after the lady wandered aimlessly around the various desks that my prescription was being prepared as we spoke. Actually they had lost it, because I had watched a little tray being placed behind the counter after I had been there for about 15 minutes. It didn’t move until it was eventually given to me much, much later without apology or explanation.

Why am I so pissed off at this inconvenience when nearly all of my experiences have been so positive? As you absolutely demand an explanation I’ll have to give you one. I don’t for one moment wish to denigrate the high degree of training and knowledge required to be a pharmacist, but when all is said and done they are mixing chemicals and putting them into boxes, as opposed to cutting and stitching lungs, colons and other bits or dealing with people who are in pain or even maybe, about to be dead. So why then are they so bloody miserable? Just that. Not a smile from any of the half dozen people I spoke to, despite my attempts to lighten the fact that I was really not too impressed at their 400% inaccuracy in my expected waiting time (there was incidentally, nobody else waiting). This I am sure is an administrative problem because there seemed to such a lack of direction and clearly a 400% error level (and I think that makes it infinite) in the dispensing of drugs would have pretty strange implications for the local population. My very limited knowledge of the subject leads me to conclude that strychnine; aspirin, insulin and viagra are not interchangeable and perform somewhat different functions. If I was to factor in a possible life expectancy calculation it would be like me making them sit and wait for about 24 hours to buy a newspaper which was sat there on the rack all the time, and then looking at them stony faced when they politely and light heartedly pointed out that it was quite a wait. Take the piss by all means but at least have the courtesy to smile about it!

During my enforced detention I got to thinking about Cancer Wizards in general and the apprentice wizard I had seen earlier specifically. Stick with me and you will see that this next bit is relevant and not an attempt to draw unfortunate comparisons in the outcome of practicing their trade. I have always been fascinated by the career structure of becoming an undertaker. I know that it often a family trade but how the hell does someone get into the business? "You want to do what when you grow up?" An indication of this ambition at an early age would certainly require the help of a shrink and may involve a serious enquiry by Social Services. Where do undertakers recruit their non-family employees? Amnesiacs Anonymous? Death Row? Small ads in Corpses World? Who actually decides that their one goal in life is to put makeup on dead people and then bury them? It is the career decision which I don’t understand.

In the case of doctors, the desired results of them practicing their art are obviously the opposite of that of undertakers but many of the specialists often work so closely to the fringe of death that their desire to do it is beyond me. I can only think that the high from the successes must be so intense that it overwhelms the lows where they are helpless. To my mind, the AW I saw today has a strange life ahead of him but I’ve always preferred strange people and oddly enough, I have a lot of time for the ones who seem intent on making me live longer.