DAMN, I FORGOT THE CANCER

DAMN, I FORGOT THE CANCER

It is probably difficult for the fit and well to understand a bizarre phenomenon which I have only just come to recognise. When you have some sort of niggling, life threatening complaint which causes you problems on a daily basis, it is unbelievably easy to overlook it.

Although I acknowledge that I have an advanced case of "If you can’t fix it, don’t screw it up more by trying", I would, in my pre illness days have thought that something like cancer would prey on your mind all the time. The weird thing is that unless something specific reminds me, I don’t give it a thought from one day to the next. This isn’t some sort of bravado or even a self defence mechanism; rather it is just about getting on with being alive and enjoying it.

Recently a few kind readers have asked me how I am, because I don’t seem to refer to it very much - so here’s a summary. I can’t walk more than a few yards without having unpleasant side effects (increased pains in the stomach, hips and legs – dizziness and a feeling that I may faint). By the afternoon of each day, pains start to increase and fatigue sets in. For an hour or so after injection time things are pretty grim but get a bit better during the evening. Arms and legs are often numb-ish and right leg is hyper sensitive due to a trapped nerve. When first lying down I get the head exploding feeling thanks to the blood clot. When getting up from sitting there are more stomach and leg pains. Oh you poor man. Bugger off! I’m not brave, I’m not having a "battle" with cancer (takes 2 to tango and I’m not playing) and I’m not "suffering". The other miserable bastard me, who deals with the down side of life may be pretty depressed but I’m not sure because these days we rarely speak. He’s got the wrong attitude and I’m not going to waste whatever time I have, in the company of such a thoroughly boring shit.

So the answer is – Thanks for asking, I’m fine.

How can you overlook something as seemingly important as a terminal illness? To me, not to do so would be like worrying or moaning every time you use your car, because the tyres are wearing out. Unless medical technology shortly undergoes a serious quantum leap, a body transplant will be out of the question so I’m stuck with this one and although it’s certainly not to everybody’s taste but I’ve got used to it and find it quite comfortable. Perhaps the answer lies in an examination of those twin lovelies of the human character, Envy and Jealousy. Don’t do them. I can’t ever remember being envious or jealous of anyone else’s achievements, possessions or life, so at this stage in the game, to covet someone else’s body or life expectancy would seem to be a tad stupid. That being said, I might as well be happy with what I have and just get on with things without bitching.