PLEASE EAT RAT POISON

PLEASE EAT RAT POISON

The Blood Wizards have got me on warfarin. There is something definitely bizarre about voluntarily ingesting a substance which is widely used to kill rats; whilst no doubt there have been those in my past who wished they had been able to force feed the stuff to me, here I am, merrily eating it on a daily basis. It’s no surprise that it worked pretty well as a poison because even a rat of my size is only given a pill which is not much bigger than a match head and they tell me I have to be "careful" when taking it.

I don’t like warfarin one little bit. You have to be careful about diet and alcohol; you have to try not to lop off limbs because the stump will stay soggy and won’t heal; don’t cause big bruises because you’ll go soggy inside; don’t take herbal medicines (big loss) because they cause you to be unexpectedly soggy and don’t take dangerous substances such as aspirin because they can lead to terminal full body sogginess. This is really going to restrict my life unbearably because I had just decided to build and take up flying a microlight aircraft. I have already collected a large number of heavy duty scaffolding poles for the frame and was hoping to use one of the Wimbledon rain covers for the wings; the only decision left was whether to go for a V8 or a V12 engine.

I am beginning to understand why Wizards have to undergo some training. To the likes of you and me it seems a simple enough way to earn a living – sit, have a chat, a bit of a prod and poke then tell the client to take some pills. If it’s really serious, get a knife and cut out/join the offending bit having referred to the pictures and instructions in your Haynes manual. Apparently it’s not quite that simple though and I think I can elaborate using my own experience. To me, it is plain that the time for me to have avoided doing the things I like was when I was all chopped up, just nuked and full of agent orange which was clouding my judgement by virtue of the 24/7 hallucinations. Oh no, not a bit of it. A trained Blood Wizard will tell you that the dangerous bit is when you are taking some itsy bitsy little pink pills, because if you bump into a cushion you may turn into a big blue blancmange or if you scratch yourself on a door handle you might start doing an impromptu impersonation of a fire hydrant full of red wine.

I’ve talked before of my incredulity that anyone would want to become a doctor and now I’ve found another bunch whose motivation is beyond me.

You: "What do you do for a living?"

Blood Wizard: "Stick needles in people."

You: "Good party, see yah, Bye".

Every fibre of my being tells me that there is something amiss here. How come Wizard Central is such a topsy turvy world that the "you’ll just feel a little prick" guys, get to threaten you with being dead if you don’t behave? Even my Cancer Wizard doesn’t do that, and I thought that he was the one who signed the paperwork. There is clearly very much I don’t understand.