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| Cancergiggles is an idiot's guide to accepting, living with, laughing at and dying from cancer. The very, very last bit I can't be absolutely sure of, but then who the hell can? I could have written some beautifully crafted, grammatically correct essays but I hope you will understand, that when I say "I don't have a lot of time" I mean it far more literally than you do. I just wanted scribble a few thoughts to maybe light a spark in people - and then it became a book about Cancer, Life, Death, Illness and Politics. ISBN 0955198801 |
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copyright © 2004 Cass Brown
copyright © 2004
Cass Brown
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CHRISTMAS DRUGS
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posted Wednesday, 8 December 2004
CHRISTMAS DRUGS
As the season of goodwill gets a full grip, it occurs to me that the medical profession could be doing more to enter into the spirit of things and to spread a little of their infectious if morbid laughter.
For many of us, the tradition of wild Christmas parties is now out of reach, but having said that, there is no reason why the Wizards cannot use their skills to help us to reproduce the general ambience and effects. As I am an avid reader of the patient advice leaflets which accompany all drugs, I have realized that they can produce a wide range of side effects – with a little tinkering this fact could be put to good use. The Book of Spells used by Wizards seems to have been transferred to laptops so it should be easy to use the power of the computer to come up with combinations of drugs to make us festive. No doubt Rocheklein Glaxosmith Beecham would come up with something specific if there proved to be a demand.
The pharmaceutical companies develop drugs to have a standard set of side effects – drowsiness, numbness of the limbs and extremities, headache, constipation, loss of concentration etc, but the interesting stuff only happens when you combine them with other drugs. You may think that this is because you are then dealing with complex combinations of chemicals but I tend to a less charitable view. The drug companies do it so that you are scared shitless to use a product from one of their competitors and consequently stick to the “evil you know”.
So it can’t be beyond the combined talents of Wizards and drug peddlers to find combinations which make you seriously happy and lunatic. Early in the festive season we could start off with a combined leprosy/polite conversation in your own head cocktail, work through the cancer/acting stupid and laughing at everything injections and finish off in the New Year with an anti clotting/imaginary hangover agent.
Think of the benefits to the Health Service alone. How many hospital beds would be empty, due to the reduction in drink/drive casualties brought about when 20% of prospective offenders just stayed in bed giggling? How many serious assaults would be avoided if the morons who would normally participate, were so completely gaga that they didn’t care if you were staring at their girlfriend? The ambulance service could have a Christmas holiday because there would be no calls asking for emergency assistance for someone who was literally dying laughing.
Family disputes would all but vanish if relatives were too spaced out to recognise each other and complaints for sexual harassment would disappear if men thought women were just funny.
Maybe if I can persuade my Wizard to participate, this year I will really see Santa.
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